Haunted Fairy Castle ~ Installment 7
I still have not fired Cinderella. I try, but every time I approach her, I get scared. Cinderella gets mobbed by herds of screaming children every day. They all want to hug her and get her autograph. I’m afraid that if I fire her, I’ll get mobbed by those same screaming swarms of children, except that instead of trying to hug me, they’ll be trying to kill me. I had a nightmare in which this happened.
I’ve been watching a Disney movie every night, to make up for the gaps in my education. My favorite so far is “Lady and the Tramp.” I get all teary-eyed when the Tramp takes Lady out for the romantic spaghetti dinner. I like a man who feeds me.
In other news, I’m starting to make friends with some of the animated characters. We all eat in the same cafeteria, and the new hires and the characters usually sit together, since we’re all about the same age. I particularly like Goofy, who is studying for his degree in mechanical engineering at night. I don’t like Pluto as much. I can’t even bring myself to talk to the White Rabbit.
I have discovered that there is a social hierarchy among the characters. Apparently, it’s harder to get a job here as a character whose face shows (such as Snow White), than one who wears a full body costume (such as Mickey Mouse). This is because the full-body characters only have to be short, whereas princes and princesses and evil stepsisters, and such, have to have certain facial characteristics. This makes them snobby. We have a very uppity Pinocchio, for example. The other day he stepped on the Beast’s tail, from Beauty and the Beast, and did not even apologize. That’s the kind of thing that would never have happened if the Beast were a real beast.
Some of the characters have to have more than just facial characteristics. Aladdin, for example, has extremely well developed pectoral muscles. A lot of the girls around here are very attracted to Aladdin.
Today a tourist called my office and complained that she saw a ghost in the fairy castle. I told her she couldn’t have seen a ghost, because there’s no such thing as ghosts. Afterward, I got in trouble with my boss. Apparently, we can’t tell visitors there’s no such thing as ghosts, because we do actually advertise ghosts in the haunted mansion.
“What we can tell them,” said my boss, “is that there’s no such thing as ghosts in the fairy castle. If they saw a ghost in the fairy castle, tell them they must have been mistaken as to their location. Then give them a map of the park.”
I told the caller she must have been mistaken as to her location, but she still seemed upset. So I gave her a free coupon to Mickey’s Snacks on Wheels, as well as a map of the park. That seemed to calm her down.
Mickey’s Snacks on Wheels is a big selling point for us. We offer healthy snacks as well as traditional ones. Parents can choose to buy their children cotton candy or Kettle Korn, or a more nutritious option, such as sliced apples in individual plastic bags. The children whose parents buy them apples look at those with cotton candy, with longing.